When Husband and I argue, it's about chores. As two (tired) working parents with two different threshold for mess, it makes living together a bit tricky from time to time. I'm a neat freak who can't stand clutter, messes, and things that are disorganized. He's not so OCD about messes and clutter as I am. As such, I have much lower tolerance for mess. When the house is a mess, I become anxious, antsy, and stressed. When I feel like this, Husband utters the three words that I hate the most: "Sit down. Relax." It takes all of me to not just scream, "relax? RELAX? How can I relax when everything is chaotic?? YOU SLOB!!"
Back to the article. After I read it, every part of me just screamed, "YES! I agree with everything! Girl Power! Working Wonder Woman agrees with you. I can't wait to share it with him (husband)." But I didn't.
See, although I strongly agree with certain parts of the article, the article itself has a blame undertone that I didn't not want him to read. "Here, honey, read this article about how your behavior hurts me. You're the screw up, just like the article said. I'm perfect." No, none of that.
There was a quote in the article that I will always want but I also know the man I married.
"She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management."
My husband is a software engineer. He is well respected at work and has a career that most can only dream of. When there's a big problem, he's the man to solve it. He is a master of his domain and everyone yields to him. His IQ is higher than most and his analytical skills are on point. His intelligence is intimidating. This man is a Superman at work.
He is also a man who will take 30 minutes to load the dishwasher because he is easily distracted. He forgets the laundry in the washer for days. He's a messy eater and makes a mess when he cooks. He is a creature of habit, a routine rat, and falls into a rut if the process change.
He is an introvert, quiet, and loves his TV. He loves his family but he has never had to take care of anyone when he was growing up. My husband is an only child, and for better or for worse, has a mother who took care of all this needs. He grew up in a household where they had traditional gender roles: The woman does the cooking, cleaning, child rearing and the man does not.
We work for the same software company. While he's an engineer, I am a Program Manager - someone who "device [their] own method of task management." It is my job to define direct and help engineers develop the product that we both agree on. At our company, these two professions are bound together for any projects. Naturally, we'd be married in our personal lives too. Because of this, I'm lucky enough to know how to work with my husband when we're at home.
When it comes to household chores, we struggle to find the 50/50 balance. I often do more chores, get more stressed out, get more frustrated at the situation (which is different than getting frustrated at him), and take action before he would ever initiate a chore on his own.
Plus we have what we can only describe as a Velcro Baby (now Velcro Toddler). She is so clingy and attached. She requires a lot of hugs, kisses, touching, being near her, and when she gets a chance, she sits on my lap and being to rub her head all of my face, ears, belly, and any part of skin she sees. Yes, it's weird but that's what she needs so I just let her.
It's easy to get angry with him when I'm tired, anxious, and can't get anything done because of Velcro Toddler. There are a trillion things that I want to get done and I can't because Velcro Toddler needs to "cat" herself on me yet he can easily sit on the couch and surf on his phone, san kid, not thinking about what to do next.
It's also easy to forget that we both work. We are both parents. He sleeps less than I do. No one is to blame for dishes in the sink or the laundry not getting done. We don't have enough energy to do everything in a single day. We're both trying to find that balance. We both work and we both need, desperately, to unwind but can't because we have a kid. The last thing anyone wants to do is to do chores. We both just want to sit and not be bothered so we can recharge.
My husband isn't like me. He requires reminders, checklists, and directions. But once he gets them from me, he does them without hesitation or annoyance. He knows he has to do them but he just don't know where to begin. It's fair and, as his partner, help him with his shortcomings. To give him credit, he's trying his hardest to meet me in the middle, too, but it's a large struggle for him to flex a muscle that he's never flexed before.
We try to find our groove an balance everyday and effort is all that I ask of him but chores isn't grounds for divorce in our relationship.
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